so i was driving with my girl and we pass the mall, the second largest in the country, an unwelcomed behemoth that had the community in an uproar back when it was still an idea, protests and bumper stickers and shit, all to no avail, shit got built over on the ex-swampland near the dump, buildings torn down, apocalyptic decor, sea of parking lots, traffic traffic traffic.
so we're driving past and we see some colored lights in one of the parking lots. my girl: 'look, a carnival!' now i can't think of a damn thing that i like about carnivals. i'm no kid - i'm a man. got pubes and everything.
i don't want cotton candy or corn dogs - i eat organic.
i don't want stuffed animals - never my 'thing', but for twenty bucks worth of throwing a goddamn ball in a hole?
i don't want to shoot into a clown's mouth with a water gun - i have video games in the crib. plus, i piss in my own mouth for that sort of fun and enjoyment and stuff.
and as for carnival rides, although they were my favorite thing in life as a lad, i'm all old and shit.
the only people who like carnivals are kids. and puerto ricans, perhaps because they can be among white people and front like they're legitimate. oh yeah, and then there's my girl, apparently she likes carnivals, too:
'let's go!'
'yeah?'
'c'mon, let's do it!'
'i don't know.. it's late, almost ten o'clock.'
'please please please, it'll be fun!! c'mon! i want cotton candy!!'
she was all excited, i happily acquiesced. so we pull in, find a spot, stroll around checking out rides and shit. i start getting a little nostalgiac, a little excited at the idea of getting on some shit that spins and zooms.
first we eyeball the Zipper, the one where you get into a cage that spins while it goes around in a loop at the same time - sawry, not for the elderly. next we binocularize the Ferris Wheel, so beyond gay it may as well be called the Fairyass Wheel - you know, hooray, a view of the mall parking lot! plus, i'm not that old. finally, we ocularly telescopate a rollercoaster that just goes in a loop, maybe fifty feet high. i think it was called The Loop of Circuitous Ease and Comfort. it seemed to be somewhere in between the other two rides, like at the halfway point between ferocity and faggotry. i can handle it. bet. we buy tickets, wait to get on the loop.
when we get in the seats, i start to bug a little. not about the ride, but about the ride attendee. motherfuckers just don't look qualified at carnivals. and i wasn't sure what was going on with the harness gizmo that goes over your chest. so it felt a little weird, you know. shit fails. and this thing was about to go upside down, so i didn't feel super confident in José Perez Tacobell's safety-ensuring abilities. he came over and tucked us in, though, shit felt tight, good to go.
so the ride starts, slowly at first, climb a little, go backwards a little, climb a little more, go back, no full loop yet, higher each time, lubing us up. on about the fifth climb we keep going until we're upside down, at which point the ride stops: scream scream, ha ha, whee - it was fine. furthermore and thusly, said ride did continue on its ovate path where it did proceed in its function of going around the loop. fucking fast. too goddamn fast for my old ass. my body was like, what the fuck is WRONG? not like fear, but more a matter of shock, like my insides were being splattered, organs jostling and sloshing around down there, washing machines and numbered Lotto balls, valves fucking up, tubes tying, blood pressure and adrenalin and any normal maintenance of systems all knocked out of whack. it was fucked up. and then nausea kicked in. shit kept spinning and spinning, around and around. i turned to my girl and told her i was gonna be sick. yeah, that's right baby, i'm your boyfriend, your MAN, you know, macho, tough, got me a penis and whatnot. some balls and stuff. now please oh please, baby, make it stop.
i halfheartedly attempted to tell the dude to stop the ride but the shit was going way too fast. so i literally say to my girl, 'tell him to stop it. i'm not kidding, tell him to stop it now, i'm gonna puke.' know what? bitch didn't do shit. never does what i tell her! you deaf, bitch? i'm going to vomit on myself and you and all these motherfuckers and you can't yell STOP? (don't worry, fellas, she got a gooood beating for that stunt.)
alright, so i'm about to throw up, for real, seasick, too sick to speak anymore, trying to hold steady, weather the storm, looking for the horizon. and then i feel my heart join in the fun, crazy racing rabbit shit. i'm pretty sure i'm about to have a goddamn heart attack. oh elizabeth! but finally, after several YEARS of spinning, thousands of miles traveled, i was blessed and graced, hugged by God herself, as the ride slowed down and stopped. upside down. no lie. at least we're not moving, i think. and it's gotta be like the finale, it must almost be over. thank you sweet jesus christmas, i love you i love you i love you. give me the glorious ground! return me to the laws of gravity! i shall kiss the earth! then guess what happened? the motherfucker continued, same death speed. but backwards.
you know the rest of the story: i started vomiting, started choking on the vomit, had a heart attack and fucking died at the fucking carnival at the shit-ass mall next to the garbage dump in the swampland of shithole West Nyack, New York. fuck you. all because my girl didn't obey. (don't worry, boys, i'm still mad, more beatings yet to come.)
alright, JK, so it went backwards for a short period of time, i think senor 'driver' dude saw me crying, maybe heard my yelps of 'mommy', took pity on the gringo and hit the brakes. i couldn't believe it, really, how bad my body felt. and that i am actually, definitely, without a doubt, OLD. when we got off, my legs were shaking, my heart was racing, i was nauseous for hours. never again. if i ever have kids, i'ma be like 'you want to go where? sorry, carnivals are where the DEVIL lives. and the BOOGEYMAN. MURDERERS go to carnivals. we'd better stay home and play the game: Who Can Be The Quietest?'
so in summary, if you, too, are getting on in years and your woman drops some child-like shit on you like, whee, ha ha, let's do the thing with all the FUN and EXCITEMENT where all the PEOPLE are - tell her fuck you. and start the beating - 'tough love' baby.
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